To Be or Not to Be

Guys are perplexed concerning some of us women's penchant for sayings.  I have a few of them around my house.  "You are loved like crazy" is the first one you'll see when  you walk into my place.  "Love conquers all" is another.  And "Hope" has made an appearance from room to room.  A male friend walked into my house one day and by the time he reached the couch he said, "Your place is so girly. There's flowers and sayings everywhere."  Well - I'm a girl so...yeah.  Live with it. 

My friend Heather has a few sayings in her house too.  Her friend Chris looked at the word "Be" that was displayed on her shelf and queried "Why do you need to have words on your shelf? What does that mean?  Be."  We both looked at him with pity in our eyes.  I don't know about Heather but I felt I had to summon up way too much patience to explain the obvious to this Neanderthal. "Because, sometimes you need to be reminded to just Be."  He was even more confused now.  We changed the subject. 

I had occasion this morning to remind myself that I just needed to Be.  Maybe I'm a bit of an over analyzer.  OK - I am a bit of an over analyzer.  I like answers.  Definitive ones. I like clear paths. Even when I drive.  Don't put a big truck in front of me.  I will pass it.  I want to see the road ahead.  If I get stuck behind a big truck or two on a stretch of road with no passing lanes, I get antsy. 

My path hasn't been all that clear lately (which I alluded to in my last post) and there are a lot of things that I can't control in my life.  They just ARE.  And in the face of these things that ARE I have wanted to make sense of them. Control them. Change them. Remove them. Find the passing lane so I can get around them and get back on my journey.

I'm not sure how successful a recovering alcoholic I would be. You know that Serenity Prayer they recite? 

"God, grant me the serenity to
accept the things I cannot change; 

The courage to change the things I can; 

And the wisdom to know the difference."

Yeah...that prayer makes me a little fidgety. Partly because a lot of people truncate that prayer. They stop at the first line. 

Come to think of it, maybe I would make a GREAT recovering alcoholic. And this is why:

If I were a fatalist I would stop at the first line "Accept the things I cannot change". So many things seem too immovable to be moved.  People's beliefs, choices, behaviours, and opinions too ingrained to be changed. Institutions too large for me to do anything else but assimilate.  (This Borg reference has been used a lot recently as we transition to our new Health Authority. "Resistance is Futile.  Assimilate."  But me...I'm not one to let the Borg win). Yes, it would be so easy to just shrug my shoulders and say "Nothing I can do. I guess I just have to accept it." It would be easier on me if I could do that.  But I can't submit to things I can't accept.  There are things I no longer will accept. Partly because, if I were to do that, there would be pieces of me that would die.  Pieces I have fought for tooth and nail. A decision like that would see my dignity; my hopes and dreams being buried alive. Smothered. Comatose. 

Which brings me to the second line of that prayer. The "courage to change the things I can". And that is the conundrum I find myself in. I can't accept this "thing" so how do I change it?  What can I do to affect that change?  Am I willing to risk it all to attempt the change?  And what if I crash and burn in my attempt to change it?  Will I be able to get up and dust myself off again? I feel pretty battle weary.  Wouldn't it be easier for me if I just up and surrendered?  But would I be able to live with myself if I didn't at least try to change this thing? I live with a lot of regrets. But the regrets I don't live with, are the ones where my good faith efforts didn't work out.  I am the one that gave things a chance. I am the one who tried everything to make things work. I am the one who put my heart on the line. It's that desire to change things that leads me to the last line:

"And the wisdom to know the difference."

And this is why I think I would make a GREAT recovering alcoholic.  Because this is where I camp out.  I search for the wisdom to make the decision to accept or not accept.    

In parenting they say "pick your battles". It's hard to know sometimes which thing you should accept and which one you should try to change. And that's where my over-analyzing brain - my intrepid heart and soul - are embroiled in this tension.  Accepting certain things will not come easy to me. Changing certain things will be incredibly risky.  So I find myself in this strategy stage - like Mel Gibson in Braveheart, or Russell Crowe in Gladiator - trying to determine my best course of action to combat these things. Hmmm...it didn't turn out so well for William Wallace. Or Maximus. But if they had known their fate, would they still have stayed the course? Yes. A resounding yes. They always knew that they might not make it out alive or in one piece, but the ultimate goal they sought was that important to them - so integral to who they were - they marched on anyway.  

So, as I'm trying to determine the best course; the battles to pick; the things to accept; the things not to accept; it has all been a little overwhelming. Onerous. Stressful. Hence, the reminder to myself this morning to just Be.  

There are lots of people telling me (and you) what to be.  Be good.  Be inspirational.  Be happy. Be brave. Be the change.  Be real. Be unique.  Be better. Be creative.  Be independent. 

I swat those be's away.  

Then I reminded myself to just Be. Be me. Stop getting caught up in what people want me to be or who they think I should be and Just. Be. Me. Don't abdicate what I believe or what I need to make room for other's people's opinions or requirements of me.  Reminding myself to Be meant to remember who I am. I am a zig zag in a straight line world. I am a blotch of red on a grey misty background. I am an enigma. I'm kinda weird. And as hard a road as that may be sometimes, I kinda like that about me. In fact, my attempts to be 'normal' - to assimilate - have never worked out very well. They've been sort of disastrous actually.  So yeah - I needed that reminder to just Be.