You Alone are Enough

I'm an angry lil girl at the moment.  I'm gettin' over it but still...there's some remnants.

The anger was justifiable and initially helped protect my heart from the hurt.  Then I set aside the anger and had me some good old fashioned tears.  A release. An expression of the loss. An acknowledgement of the disappointment.  Facing the fact that the trust and hope I had placed in a relationship was...well...let's just say it wasn't accurate.  (In case you are all trying to figure out who I'm angry at it's actually a couple people. When it rains, it pours).

However, when the anger dissipated and the hurt was expressed, I realized a couple of things:  

First, I have come to a point in my life where I have stopped relinquishing my dignity and self-respect in order to keep a relationship. The cost of that is way too high.

I used to sacrifice myself on the alter of relational martyrdom all in order to save a familial bond. Preserve a friendship. Pave the way for reconciliation. Foster forgiveness. If I was impeccably understanding, infinitely accepting, and consummately forgiving then I would be able to keep that relationship intact. Instead, my life was rife with people who were more concerned with what I could do for them than with what they might bring to my life. There was a dearth of reciprocity. Is it any wonder my path was strewn with pieces of my heart and buckets of tears, grief, loss, disappointment and sadness. 

Second, I have lost the fear to enforce my own personal boundaries. Being treated respectfully is now a requirement of being my friend. Of being my child.  Your daughter. Your partner.  

I know...duh.  But the fact is I spent too many years fighting for my dignity because people who were supposed to care about me treated me like I didn't matter.  I was such a shy kid and speaking up for myself was nearly impossible and when I did, it did not end successfully. As an adult...well let's just say it always ended badly for me. I truly believed I didn't have the right to expect anything more than what I received from others - even if what I received was despicable. But there's been a shift over the past few years as I've stepped away from some destructive relationships and found myself smack dab in the midst of people who love well, offer a safe place to be myself and know how to lift my head with their simple acts of kindness or healing words. I've found my way back to the people who know me and have reminded me who I  am. They accept me. Value me.  We cry together and we laugh together.  Oh how we laugh!

I have a really good tribe.  

So - in that new context I guess it's (finally) a no brainer that when someone treated me like I didn't matter my response was to enforce those boundaries.  It was risky.  Those people didn't like it. They got mad. Accusatory. Condescending. 

But (and I'm not sure I can say this about any of his other quotes) Louis C.K said this profound thing:

 "When a person tells you that you hurt them, you don't get to decide that you didn't."

There is behaviour that is a deal breaker.  And there is behaviour that's a game changer. I've experience both in the past few weeks. One relationship ended and I can't imagine a scenario under which it could be repaired. Another relationship has been changed significantly.  One I will have to rethink and reframe going forward. A year ago, I would have thought that losing these people from my life would tear me apart. However, despite the loss, I discovered this:  I will always be fine. My heart may be tired and bruised but walking away with my dignity unscathed is worth everything to me.  There are no regrets. And it has more than made the loss bearable.  It's actually made it victorious.