Faith and Certainty

I sat with my feet in the Selkirk Waterway today.  The sun warming my back, a breeze flipping my hair away from my face and the soft lapping of the water - the noise of industry and emergency vehicles a distant background hum that did nothing to distract  from the peace I felt.  Some long needed quiet.  A massive blue heron just flew by at eye level, skimming the surface of the water. I shake my head - as I always do - at how something that looks and sounds that awkward doesn't just bump into stuff more or take epic face plants into the water.  How, in all it's gangly glory, does it still manage to be so graceful?

I needed an afternoon like this.

As I sit there, my feet cool and turning prune-y I start thinking about trust.  And faith.  And certainty.  And how all those things have collided so many times in my life.  All the time's I've wanted to have faith but also wanted to have certainty. The two just never seemed to be able to co-exist.  Then I started to think about Abraham - you know, one of the recipients of the faith hall of fame awards (I think there's a sash and a plaque you get with that).  The event that was pivotal to his nomination was the little hike he took with his long awaited, beloved son Isaac.  God had told Abraham He wanted him to take his son up the mountain to...um...well...kill Isaac.  It's always been a story that I could never get my mind wrapped around.  I mean, even on their worst days, I would never consent to march a child of mine up a mountain to plunge a knife into them. Maybe leave them there for the day or two, but never hurt them. About 4 years ago, I remember securing myself a grassy spot (the only square meter without goose poop) in Wascana Park.  It was a Sunday afternoon and I decided I needed to reread, in it's entirety, the journey of Abraham.  What was his deal anyway? Funny, when you read things in context, they become so much more clear.  The timing of God's request to Abraham was significant because it came well after God had spent many years building a trusting relationship with him and reiterating His promises over and over.  Abraham didn't always profess the faith he's known for.  He had many missteps (pimping Sarah out - not once, but twice - for his own gain) and failures (Hagar...seriously...you thought that was a good idea?), doubts (how can a 100 year old male and a 90 year old woman have a child?) and slip-ups (abandoning his son Ishmael and his mother).  And through all of it, God kept showing him one thing - He could be trusted no matter what.  So, on their way up the mountain, Issac starts to feel that something isn't quite right and questions his father.  Abrahams answer was "God will provide".  Until recently I felt that was just bravado on Abraham's  part - an attempt to assuage Isaac's fears as well as his own.  But I am starting to believe that it was, in fact, certainty.  Certainty - not because Abrahams' faith was so secure, but rather, because of that time tested trust relationship that he had with God.  God have made deposit after deposit into that trust account and it was because of that abundance, that God a) could ask the inexplicable and b) Abraham could comply with certainty.  I used to think Abraham was scared spit-less walking up the mountain - that he had questioned God, perhaps demanding, pleading, begging Him to change His mind.  But I've become convinced that Abraham believed what he told Issac - God will provide.  Why was he so sure?  Because God had proved to Abraham, over and over, that He was good.  A good father will provide.  A good father will not harm.  

And as I sit on this dock, pondering my future, with all it's uncertainty and the fear that wants to take a foothold, I realize I'm at a crossroads.  Of all the things that God has shown me over the past 4 or 5 years (or my lifetime, for that matter), have I learned that God is a good father?  Do I know it? Believe it? Sort of. I won't fool you and tell you that I'm certain of it.  But I'm closer to that certainty than I was a year ago. Or two.  Or four. I am certain that God is relentless in His pursuit of me.  I am certain that God never abandons me.  I am certain that God has never left my side.  And I am learning, bit by bit, that I am more and more able to sit with the confusion - the unanswered "why's".  There are dreams and hopes and love that may never be realized but my need for resolution and explanations is waning somewhat, slowly giving way to peace and trust.