Endless. Boundless. Grace.

I've had a hard time writing anything lately. My head has been full of a lot of hard things that I've been trying to figure out. The hope is that once I've figured them out I can find a way to make peace with them and/or figure out what my strategy will be going forward. So - while all these things have been swirling around in my head - I've found this big fat writers block standing in the way.  Mmm...maybe it's not so much a writers block...it's more like a big ole pile 'o' confusion and rubble blocking the path to my writing.  I counted and I have 15 half written blogs in my draft folder, so clearly I have the will to write.  There are things I want to express but just can't seem to bring to completion in my brain. It's like trying to walk north on Albert Street after the Riders won the 2013 Grey Cup when the entire sea of green is walking south.  You can't get where you want to go - at least not quickly.  And while I'm not being jostled about by 40,000 jubilant Rider fans, I am feeling jostled about by a lot of things that are bothering me right now.   Work. Friends. Health. Family. Relationships. Broken promises. Truth. Lies. Disappointments. Anger.  All these things are swirling around me, bumping into me and each other. All of them unresolved and distracting me from where I want to be and making me feel a little numbed out and turned around. 

Yup - there's been a disconnect lately.  A few road blocks.  A couple monkey wrenches. Detours. And some straight up vandalous activity.

There have been a lot of moments when I've thought - 'I should just go with the flow'. Those green-blooded watermelon wearing fans are all headed southbound; maybe I should just join them. They know where they're going. And as such, I've spent a good deal of time lately just listening to and observing how others are addressing similar issues.  I turn this cache of intel around in my brain, consider what I'm hearing and observing; concede that many of these strategies have merit but then, when I try and superimpose these strategies over my situation, it quickly becomes clear that it doesn't fit my reality.  It's like if you took a map of all the hiking trails in BC and superimposed them over a map of SK. It's a similarly sized province. They both have hiking trails. But the context is all wrong.

I know I'm being cryptic.  Alluding to issues I'm not prepared to name, and for that I apologize. I guess what I'm trying to say is that there are times where I need to go underground, so to speak. Eliminate the distractions. Hammer out the details. Beat it out on the threshing floor. Sort through the mess. Dispense with the numbing survival mode I've been in and expose that wound and let it air out a little.  Like all the unsolicited medical advice you get when you have a cancer diagnosis (e.g. the guy who walked up to my friend and told her to start using medical marijuana because it would cure her cancer...I mean...the guy who gave that advice...and the person he was giving it to...I nearly fell over laughing because man...you need to know your audience!) sometimes you just have to do what you know is right for you. No explanations. No justifications.  And if you don't know what's right for you at the moment? Then don't do what you know is wrong for you. 

So while I hang out underground for awhile, I want to let my friends know how much I value them. There are many things I keep close to the vest, but I am humbled and grateful for the small (and sometimes kinda big) moments of grace and love you bestow on me.  I remember once, during the chaotic 'perfect storm'  of my divorce, meeting my dad, and trying to move myself back home to BC, a man walked into my office.  We knew each other professionally and he remarked; 

"Annette, you look tired.  What's wrong?" 

Trying to keep myself together I brushed him off "Nothing is wrong". 

Then realizing it was obvious I was lying I added, "Lot's of things are wrong but I'll figure it out." 

Instead of backing off, he said "What can I do to help?" 

Desperately trying not to cry I put out my hand as if to signal a full stop and said "Mauro, please don't be nice to me right now.  I can't handle it."  

He was nice to me anyway.  

I've never forgotten that moment. It took courage, compassion and integrity on his behalf.  And it left its mark on me.  I've collected many of those moments over the past 3 or 4 years.  Moments where peoples compassion or kindness or thoughtfulness have been offered and it's been like a warm blanket of grace over me. Moments where your trust and belief in me have given me solace and courage and joy.  And it's because of that, that I know I will emerge from the underground, the words will start to flow again, and the furrowed brow will ease back into contentment.