Wanted: Beach Day

Remember that book a long, long, looonnng time ago entitled "I'm Dancing as Fast as I Can"? No? Well, there was a book called that. And I read it. A long, long time ago. I've been in a dance marathon for awhile now. 

My winter - well - my fall and winter really - have been...ummm...well...an adventure? Errrrr....a challenge? Hmmm...a LOT! It's been a lot. The last 5 months have depleted me. Brought me to the end of myself. Which, you know, I kind of already went down that road in 2013 / 2014 so I thought after that I would take it easy for the rest of my life.  "Lets just keep things simple from now one. Safe. Quiet. Uneventful." Hahahahah! I'm so funny. Yeah. 

The work thing has been indescribable. The train hit me about 2 weeks before the transition from our old hospital to our new one. I've tried many times to write about it - express it - but no luck. It's just...too...complicated. I've had other things in my life that really can't be explained easily either so I've just added this latest one to the pile. I crawled into my few days off over Christmas gasping and barely hanging on by my finger nails. Every spare ounce of energy and emotion has been excreted in order to keep up with the immense learning curve and change I (we) encounter each and every day. None of us going through this transition (such a neat and tidy word for something so gigantic and chaotic) will ever go through anything quite this challenging again. Seriously. And the public's part in this transition? The complaining, crazy, threatening, punitive, whining  public? I'm sort of done with them too. I don't answer my phone at work any longer. 

In the midst of all this, the inanimate objects that surround me sensed my distraction and decided to, one by one, exact some sort of twisted test on my remaining endurance. Which one could push me over the edge? In October it started with my fridge tanking. (Cha-Ching!) Dead as dead can be. No reviving that sucker. I now had a very large paper weight taking up space in my kitchen. I replaced it, temporarily, with a little bar fridge. Temporary lasted 2 1/2 months until I found a decent boxing week sale. I had to replace all 4 tires on my car. (Cha-Ching!) Then a rock hit my windshield during our Christmas travels and I held my breath until we could get it repaired (Thank goodness for insurance!) I inexplicably broke the screen on my new iPhone (Cha-ching and thank goodness for Apple Care!) I turned on my trusty Bosch upright vacuum one Saturday and heard its death rattle. "Zzzzt. Zzzzt. Zzzzt." Fried. (Cha-Ching!). My toilet started to leak then the other morning I sleepily walked into the kitchen to make  coffee and stepped into a puddle of water. The dishwasher was the culprit. (Cha-Ching!) The very next morning, tired and unwilling to turn on the light while I slowly tried to wake myself, I dropped my coffee cup - FULL coffee cup - onto my brand new light grey carpet. The quiet start to my day instantly  morphed into mopping and sopping and cleaning and scrubbing. The crown in my tooth fell out at work and had to be cemented back in. (Thank goodness for insurance!) And my dentist told me I had 4 cavities that needed to be fixed. (Cha-Ching and thank goodness for insurance combo!) The automatic door locks in my car broke. (Cha-Ching and thank goodness for extended warranty!) I toppled a lamp and my diamond stud earrings, tucked safely into the cupped base, went flying and I still haven't found one of them. I lost a glove, I lost my phone (thankfully finding it again) and wondered, through all of it if I was also going to lose my mind. I'm done with rain and wind and snow and clouds. I've been freezing cold every single day for the past 5 months and I just want some blue sky and sun. 

I've supported my beau through the gentle passing of his dearly loved mother, his transition to a new job he's ambivalent about and his worst season of curling ever. I've pushed through the fear of a new relationship, publishing two blogs - one of which was deeply personal, faced a disappointing betrayal, and held firm to some personal boundaries, refusing to tolerate disrespect. 

I'd like a day to sleep please. 

I want to walk on the beach. 

Soak in the sounds of gentle.

Inhale and exhale to the rhythm of the waves. 

Turn my face to the light. 

And find my diamond earring. 


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