Underwear the Wonder-wear.

Of all the crazy random things I've blogged about thus far, this might be the silliest. 

But it's been bugging me all day long. 

Remember I wrote that little post about the fashion industry and how their random assignment of sizes are proof this world is six shades of crazy? 

Well - I've decided there is still another layer of crazy. The "underworld" of crazy, you might say. And that layer would be women's underwear.

Seriously. 

OK - so here's the thing. I've been pondering my underwear drawer for a few months now. Every time I do my laundry and fold my underwear I tell myself - it's time to invest in some new undies there Miss Annette. Some are too big for me and just slide down my butt. Some, the elastic has broken free hanging in strands or even winding itself into a snarl - as if it has aspirations to be something greater - like a golf ball or something. I keep telling myself that I still have plenty of good underwear to choose from. But then there's my Granny's voice warning me about being in an accident with clean (and by extension) suitably presentable underwear devoid of rips, tears, and elastic malfunctions. 

So...all that preamble to say...I broke down and bought new underwear the other night. Two kinds. Everyday ones. Comfy cotton with those extra little breathing features. Fruit of the Looms. Reliable. Then I bought the "suck-you-in-and-make-everything-a-little-firmer" underwear. Secret. Also reliable. Both of them I paid a fortune for, considering they are just underwear. Now here's the key: both pairs were mediums. (TMI?) So yesterday I tore into the new package of "suck-you-in-and-make-everything-a-little-firmer" bag of mediums and quickly found myself in an alternate universe where medium clearly means extra-small. Teeny-tiny. Miniature. I squeezed into them because I am that stubborn and kinda malleable in some areas and once I had those suckers where they were supposed to be, I shook my head at the sight before me. Afraid that the first time I bent over they would explode and take out several small children or snap someone's knee caps, I took them off tossing them with disgust to the floor. I just wasted $14.95 for two pairs of these miniature mediums.  Over to the reliable old Fruit of the Looms. Comfy. Now these ones, I can't really put my finger on the problem. They might be too big or they might be too small. They are not tight. But I did a lot of hiking them up today. A lot. I also did a lot of pulling them down. That's because they did a lot of...hmmm...let's call it -shifting - under my dress. The front part rolling down my curvy parts and the back part going for wild excursions up my backside. It's like I needed suspenders to my shoes to hold them down and suspenders to my shoulders to hold them up. I just wasted another $13.95.

The thing that really gets my panties in a bunch, as they say, is that undies are expensive. And I know the underwear manufactures are laughing their fanny's off because they have the biggest clothing scam going. Why? Because unlike the rest of the clothes you wear, you can't try on underwear to see if they fit until after you purchase them. And by that time, it's too late. It's a gamble every time. 

So I will be back to the ratty underwear until I am brave enough - rich enough - devil-may-care enough to risk buying new again. Don't look at me that way - I know your granny panties are in the same shape as mine. In the meantime, I'm trying to avoid a trip to the emergency room. Just in case. 

Graphics and Quote: Sources Unknown. But found here on Google.